


emaciated, iron flat

by yijeong



Category: SHINee
Genre: Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Bulimia, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, OCD Behavior, Unhealthy Relationships, Vomit Mention, lapslock, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 05:26:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17892347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yijeong/pseuds/yijeong
Summary: "maybe if you lost some weight i’d be with you. you’re cute, but your body.."taemin remembers how casually kibum said those words as hands gestured up and down his body. insecurity wasn’t necessarily a new feeling to him, but it was one he managed to do a decent job of suppressing until that moment.





	emaciated, iron flat

**Author's Note:**

> im not pro ed. i suffer with bulimia.  
> this is just a vent fic. i mean no sort  
> of disrespect towards kibum or taemin.  
> this doesn't reflect them in any way,  
> key's not an asshole and taemin is  
> definitely a carefree baby irl ;----;  
> if you suffer with an ed i urge you to seek  
> help, you are not alone. <3  
> sorry for mistakes, english isnt my first  
> language + this is unedited.
> 
> [also yes, this is a reupload.]

**taem 6v6 7:42 p.m.**

my throat hurts so badly…  
it just took me a half hour to throw up dinner ㅠㅠ

**kibum 7:45 p.m.**

did you get everything up?

**taem 6v6 7:47 p.m.**

i think so… it became clear eventually (｡•́︿•̀｡)  
that’s good right?  
tell me i did a good job…

**kibum 7:58 p.m.**

of course.  
good job, i’m proud of you.

 

the words on the screen felt as if they held little emotions to them, yet taemin still let a stupid grin break out across his face and he held the tiny screen close to himself. a warm feeling of pride spread throughout his body, filling his chest and heating up his face, he felt like he was floating on cloud 9 and for a brief moment he was able to ignore the searing pain in his throat.

taemin remained like that for a few more moments before pushing himself up off the bathroom floor onto shaky legs, flushing the toilet before turning to face the sink. he criticized the image that the mirror showed him, the boy with tired eyes and spit-swollen lips. sneering at himself, he wiped off his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie and washed his hands three times (he counted) for a total of exactly forty seconds each time (he counted) as he hoped the scent of vomit would successfully dissipate from his skin.

flushing the toilet once more to be safe, he lightly skimmed the wall as he left the room, his fingers not leaving the surface for even a moment as he made his way to his bedroom.

not necessarily a clean person, taemin nearly tripped over a bag he had thrown haphazardly onto the floor, and he struggled to keep his balance as the world spun and his stomach lurched. he mentally cursed his body for being so weak and plopped onto his bed, turning over and opening up kakao on his phone.

 

**taem 6v6 8:17 p.m.**

do you think i can see you again soon? (ﾉ_ヽ)

**kibum 8:19 p.m.**

depends.  
how do you look now?  
send me a photo.

 

a pang of hunger hit him almost the same time as the reminder of why taemin was destroying his body did. he did it all for kibum, the older (only by two years) boy in the fashion department of the university. they were (still are) best friends (at least taemin thinks so) until taemin confessed to him one cool summer evening, only to be rejected.

_ maybe if you lost some weight i’d be with you. you’re cute but your body.. _

taemin remembers how casually kibum said those words as hands gestured up and down his body. insecurity wasn’t necessarily a new feeling to him, but it was one he managed to do a decent job of suppressing until that moment. it made him feel desperate to fix whatever was wrong with him, and he pleaded with kibum to help him lose the weight so he could be deemed ‘perfect.’

that was nearly six months ago and taemin went from a healthy 64kgs to a nearly lifeless 43kgs.

forcing himself off of his bed and in front of the full length mirror, he began removing his clothes at a painfully slow pace, eyes squeezed shut in fearful anticipation of the sight of his body that he only seemed to grow to dislike more and more as the number on the scale dropped.

opening his eyes, taemin was greeted with the sight of his body dressed in nothing but a pair of loose boxers that hung low on his protruding hip bones, which might as well have been the only thing holding them up in the first place. he twisted and turned as he surveyed his skeletal body, counting each individual rib (he repeated his six times, he counted) to make sure they were still there, circling his hands around his arms and thighs (he repeated this three times, he counted) to make sure that there was more empty space than the last time he checked like this.

the sight of freshly revealed chest bones both alarmed and delighted him, and he ran his hand up and down ten times (he counted) to let the realization that the bones were really there and not some trick of light sink into his mind. taemin turned around and counted each individual bone of his spine that stuck out only once- he only needed to count that one once, he wasn’t scared they’d disappear- and turned back to face his front to wrap his hands around his waist, fingers meeting in the middle.

he desperately tried to ignore the array of bruises and self inflicted cuts that littered his fragile body as he opened the camera app on his phone to take a set of photos to send to kibum.

_ feet together, thighs apart. _

kibum’s words rang out to him in his head as he burned holes into the mirror staring at his thigh gap, almost disgusted with the way his thighs were far from touching each other (it didn’t last for long.)

taking and deleting multiple photos, he settled on the three he thought looked the best, the ones he looked most perfect in.

 

**taem 6v6 8:32 p.m.**

[image attachment: 3 photos]  
i hope i look okay enough for you.. (｡╯︵╰｡)

**kibum 8:40 p.m.**

you look like you lost weight since last time.  
you’re nearly perfect, taem.  
i think after a few more kgs you’ll be absolutely perfect.

**taem 6v6 8:45 p.m.**

...that’s good right?  
do i get to see you? (*´▽`*)

**kibum 8:49 p.m.**

it’s better than before.  
i’ll come over tomorrow after classes, okay?  
goodnight, taem. see you tomorrow.

 

twisted satisfaction flooded taemin as he read kibum’s messages and he pulled his hoodie back over his tiny frame, not bothering to put his joggers back on as he curled back into his bed under his thick duvet, though the cold still reached him and chilled his bones, he couldn’t care less and he smiled to himself as he tucked his small stuffed rabbit, roo, under him arms.

_ nearly perfect. _

taemin doesn’t think he’d ever felt happier in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> wanna yell @ me? :)  
> ig: dulcetaem / goreybaobei


End file.
